Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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