You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
