so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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