is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
