I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
