her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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