God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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