Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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