nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
