everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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