Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
