I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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