I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
