So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
