You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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