I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think people are normalizing furries
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
