My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
