i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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