Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize