Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
