He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
