I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
