shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
