Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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