she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
