Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
