I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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