can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
