If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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