Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
