I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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