I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
