I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
