Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
