I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
