genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
