this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
