Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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