Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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