Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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