I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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