I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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