Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
