I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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