I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
