Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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