just tell him i said nine months
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
