Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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