I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
