If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
