Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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