Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
