He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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