is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
