I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
