I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
