I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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