Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
