I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
